For the record, most of the time I like myself just fine. I am my own worst critic, but usually the negative and the positive thoughts I have regarding myself average out slightly on the positive side.
I say the above only because I’ve spent the majority of the last month and a half being fairly down on myself. Primarily this has to do with the whole job hunting experience. I know myself to be a decently capable and trainable individual, but when you’re applying for jobs you really only have your documented skills and abilities to rely upon. Employers do not care if you believe in your ability to learn how to work a complex database, they want to see documented proof that you have done so before or have the knowledge that would logically enable you to do so. This is my perception, but because of this perception job hunting for me essentially looked like this:
Step 1: Go to job hunting website and enter appropriate search terms (such as entry-level, minimal experience required, a monkey could do this).
Step 2: Read through the list of options. Click on those that do not make you want to stab yourself in the eye or, more importantly, do not look like a scam.
Step 3: Read job description. If imagining yourself in the described position does not make you immediately nauseous, proceed to…
Step 4: Scroll down and read listed required qualifications. If you meet this qualifications, submit an application. If you do not meet these qualifications (a much more common occurrence), proceed to…
Step 5: Lower your standards. Repeat steps 1 through 5 as necessary.
That was essentially my way of thinking through the entire job hunting process. I would spend a good deal of time sifting through job postings and finding positions that interested me, but not applying because I did not meet the minimum qualifications. (Here one might argue that I should have applied anyway because you never know, they may be having no luck finding good candidates and want to go another way and lah di dah and so on. Valid argument, yes, but the part of my brain that was taught to follow directions cannot get past the “I don’t meet the minimum qualifications, it is pretty clear they wouldn’t want me to apply” thought process.) Long story slightly shorter, during this horrific time of job hunting I found it fairly easy to throw myself onto the path of self doubt almost daily.
The first thing I do when I’m riding the self doubt train is compare myself to the people around me. While in the midst of the job search I also started classes in my graduate program. At the first meeting of both classes each student was asked to introduce his or herself to the class giving a name, where you went to undergrad, and where you work. There I was, unemployed, one of the few people from out of state, and having graduated from a nationally obscure teeny tiny liberal arts college. (Sorry Lebanon Valley, but you are obscure on the national level, it’s just a fact. Still love you, though: Go Dutchman!) I’m very happy with my undergraduate education and even more happy to hail from New Jersey, so talking about those things was a breeze. But admitting to a roomful of gainfully employed graduate students that you are not so gainfully employed is not fun. Even though my situation was understandable given the fact that I was new to the area, I still really put myself down and couldn’t help but wonder if I was really capable of keeping up with my fellow students, all of whom collectively seemed to have their acts together while I, most decidedly, did not.
Once it starts, it’s easy to let this kind of negative thinking leech into all areas of your life. Even though I was primarily down on myself for the whole not having a job thing, I started passing the time in my brain by comparing myself to every person I encountered, usually selling myself short in the end. This is an incredibly hard habit to break and as such it has continued, even after I was offered and accepted a job.
For example: I went shopping last week. This was a necessity because for my last job I wore only black and essentially got away with wearing yoga pants just about every day. Since my new job is in an office and I will be dealing with people professionally, I figured that my previous pajama-like wardrobe wouldn’t cut it anymore. So I took myself to Kohl’s, where I can usually find something I like, and wandered around the store for awhile. After a couple of laps of the store I found myself holding two tank tops (the purely practical kind that you wear under other shirts) and two t-shirts from the men’s section: one with the Captain America emblem and one with Batman’s emblem. Standing back in the women’s department I looked around at the other women shopping and began to wonder what on Earth was wrong with me:
“Oh my God, I suck at shopping! I’m not supposed to suck at shopping, I’m a girl. Oh my God, I suck at being a girl. How is it possible that I walked through the entire women’s section with all it’s variety and didn’t see one item that I actually wanted!? Plus, why am I not rifling through the bargain racks like those women? Shouldn’t I want to find a great deal and get more for my money? Oh my God, I suck at bargain shopping.”
You can see how this spirals out of control.
In the end I forced myself to buy one girly item which would be appropriate for work and then called it a day. When I got home I was still more excited about my new superhero shirts than any other item I had purchased or had even seen in the store. I was not surprised by this and told myself that I should be ashamed of this fact.
These are the moments when I have to excuse myself from my own psyche and step outside to examine me from a different perspective, reevaluating from the outside:
“So maybe my shopping ability or my interest in shopping does not align with that of the stereotypical “normal” female. This is a problem because…why, again? I don’t shop based on what is currently in fashion, I shop by what I like and what I find comfortable (which generally means polka dots and light layers). And as long as I understand that my new Batman shirt is probably not proper work attire, what’s the issue? Also, since when have I ever wanted to do anything normal? In general I revel in being slightly weird and have been known to do something weird just for the sake of weirdness. So I’m a weird shopper, what the hell else is new?”
From there I can usually find my way back to the happy medium of accepting myself for the way I am and just moving on. I’m not as “good” a shopper as the lady next to me. You know what, I don’t care. It doesn’t matter. I shop like me, and that’s fine, so long as I can eventually figure out a way to buy a work appropriate wardrobe.
So I didn’t get the first two jobs I interviewed for. Thank God and Moses and all the powers that be for that because I do not think I would have thrived in either of those positions. But knowing that I still managed to beat myself up pretty badly when I found out I did not get those jobs.
What matters now is that when it comes to the position I was offered, I think I will fit it quite nicely, thank you. It’s not high powered. It’s not influential. It’s not even full time. It is a place where I think I can develop skills that will be beneficial to me in the future and I am confident in my ability to do this job well. I know I will go into it not wanting to ever make a mistake or let anyone down, but the fact is that I probably will. And knowing my own tendencies I know I will beat myself up for making mistakes. I will at some point descend into a shame spiral of epic proportions because of some perceived shortcoming I see in myself. It’s just a fact; I know this about me. I push myself to be better by dragging myself down, which doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, but what else is new? So long as I can figure out how to turn all the negative into a positive in one way or another I think me and my psyche will survive and, dare I say, thrive in this new job. And that I find exciting.
Like, brand new Batman shirt exciting.
Jersey Goes West 